The Judgement Card

For once this spring, I pulled a good hand–not that I’ve been checking in with the tarot often these days, but I like to find an hour when I can to ask the cards what I should be thinking about. It’s meditative, quiet, grounding.

When I say “good” I really mean “not dispiriting.” Essentially my spreads for myself have been about being stalled, wounded, worried, receiving bad news. This hand included those cards too–at the center were the Tower and Strength reversed, for heaven’s sake–but mostly the bad news was behind me. The card that turned up to represent me was the High Priestess, and in the near future stood the Hermit, both Major Arcana cards with many possible meanings, but I associate them with good kinds of thoughtfulness and introversion. This is the last week of our May term, after which I swoop through New England for some Mycocosmic events then come home to start my sabbatical. I even drafted a poem the other day, a rare occurrence lately. I’m enjoying my “Magical Education” class, but I’m ready to rest and be a writer again.

The final card in the spread was one I dislike the look of, with its flame-haired angel blowing a trumpet over naked gray people rising from their graves. (If there is a Rapture, I don’t expect to be one of the chosen.) But surrounded by other tarot cards about choices, Judgement suggests I’m on the right path.

It also speaks to an issue I’ve been reflecting on: the relation of my hyper work ethic to a childhood absorbing criticism from my deeply unhappy parents. What a moment for Judgement to come to the emotional fore, in this third month of a book launch, a celebratory time but also a rollercoaster of ups and downs: feeling elated when the room is full and embarrassed when it’s empty; noticing how and where the baby book gets reviewed; spending so much effort in promotion, worried that you’re being tedious and reminding yourself you owe the book this much. The centrality of criticism to my life–I AM a literary critic who spends a lot of time grading, secretly reviewing others’ files and mss, and reading for Shenandoah–means that the judgement reflex is extra hard to let go of. I see it as valuable, sometimes. I know I look “successful,” career-wise, in part because I’ve spent decades self-criticizing to head off criticism from others. It’s especially hard to root out a stubborn lifelong habit when you imagine it has some benefits.

I’m glad I pledged myself full effort in this book launch. No regrets. But I know it would be easier on mind and body if I could manage not to sweat the misfires and slights. Is it possible to deal myself better cards?

I think I’ll bring the pack with me on this next road trip.

• May 27-30: Poetry by the Sea in Madison, CT
  • Tues, 4:15 to 5:30: Poetry & Politics [Mitchell], Clare Rossini, Chair, Sarah Beckmann, Jim Finnegan, Srini Mandavilli, Julien Strong, Lesley Wheeler
  • Weds, 3:15-4:30: New Books [Founders], Anton Yakovlev, Chair, Meredith Bergmann, Joan Kwon Glass, Chris O’ Carroll, Lesley Wheeler
• May 30, 6 pm: Toadstool Books in Keene, NH
• May 31: Massachusetts Poetry Festival: “Understories: Tapping Hidden Networks,” 11:30- 2:30 p.m., Peabody Essex Museum Morse Auditorium in Salem, MA with Oliver de la Paz, Anna Maria Hong, & January Gill O’Neil
• June 3, 7 pm: Porter Square Books in Cambridge, MA, with Anna Maria Hong; 25 White Street (please RSVP at website)

And if you missed it and are on Instagram, the amazing Dustin Brookshire has posted a recording of a reading I recently did via the @wildandpreciouslifeseries. Props to Baltimore, by the way. I felt blue on Mother’s Day, missing my mother and my kids, until the great crowd at the Hot L series cheered me up. Plus a former student showed up and gave me an orchid. Plus we had dinner afterward with the wonderful poets Jane Satterfield and Ned Balbo, sitting outside at a French bistro and drinking rose with our crepes. It was a high point.